By R. CHASE
Bachelor Behavior
Several years ago, on Christmas Day, my father woke me from my post-Christmas nap to go visit a relative.
“Your uncle Reuben just called, he’s having a rough Christmas. Let’s go visit him at his office.”
I didn’t really ask why he would be at his office during Christmas. When we arrived, there was a half-empty bottle of Gentleman Jack on the big oak desk and Uncle Reuben sprawled out on the leather couch. He had surfed to an online escort service, images from which were prominently displayed on a gigantic monitor that took up most of the northern wall of the Hurstbourne office building.
“Do you think any of these girls work on Christmas Day?” he asked, scrolling through the images of the girls with a mouse-remote that was more regularly used for Power Point presentations.
Now I’m not really sure how many good escort services are actually open on Christmas Day, but I’ll bet they’d make a fortune. A man has needs, and you can’t suspend the basic urge for human companionship just because it’s a holiday.
But who says you have to?
Unlike Thanksgiving, Christmas is a time for people to drink heavily and seek connection with others who aren’t necessarily in their gene pool. When you mix those two things together, you get a garden of opportunity.
The single man, in his quest for the Holiday Hook-Up, is not alone. Christmas is a time when single women are also on the prowl. It’s a time for generosity and giving. And when single women are feeling generous, they’re far more likely to endure your stupid pick up line or cheesy pop culture reference. In fact, they might even like it.
Think about it – how many romances do you know that started around the holidays?
Now how many started in the dead of February, when only the most desperate of fools venture out into the near-empty bars, hoping for sight of an attractive woman who doesn’t hibernate for the season?
So where do we find these opportunities?
Every bar and restaurant in town has a “Christmas Bash” or “Holiday Party”. And what are these parties but excuses to find a date for New Year’s Eve?
Who invented the “mistletoe”? Most definitely some crafty bachelor, hoping to lure unsuspecting females by inventing some bizarre rule that you must kiss him if you’re standing underneath what is otherwise an obligate hemi-parasitic plant.
That’s the great thing about Christmas. You don’t need an icebreaker. The Holiday season is an icebreaker.
Walk over and say hello. They don’t mind. It’s Christmas!
Buy them a shot. Who cares? It’s Christmas!
Give them your room key. Why not? It’s Christmas!
Remember that girl you had a crush on in ninth grade? Maybe she’s in town. Chances are you could run into her at her aunt’s house, who has a book club with your mother.
Need an invitation? Nonsense! It’s Christmas. Find out when she’s home on Facebook, then pop by with some Christmas cookies “baked” by your mother (which you actually bought from Kroger and dumped in some old tupperware). Normally you’d be eyed with suspicion, but this week you’ll be invited in for pie and eggnog.
Make no mistake. This is an important month. If you don’t play your cards right, you’ll spend the rest of your winter with the Brozo Squad – you know, those buddies who haven’t had a girlfriend since sophomore year in college? They’ll be lined up at Patrick’s, collectively slipping into the pathos at the bottom of their Heineken.
No thanks.
Even Uncle Reuben can find love on Christmas (and he won’t even have to pay for it).
Being single is a seasonal occupation, which can serve you well if you understand the ebb and flow. We are human, and we are constantly searching for ways to connect. But we’re also afraid. Sometimes we just need an excuse to be nice to one another.
And you’d better enjoy it while it lasts, because it won’t last long. Soon that happy holiday sentiment will be replaced with suspicion, bitterness and resentment. The window is short, so you’d better do a little window shopping while you can.
The holiday season provides a golden opportunity for those of us in need of human companionship. We get to let our guard down for just a little while and enjoy the brief experience of fearless togetherness that comes with it.
And isn’t that a little Christmas miracle in itself?
C’est la vie.
Merry Christmas.