By R. CHASE
Bachelor Behavior
I was reading a book, in my underwear when my neighbor Sven called.
“I need your help.” The urgency of his tone dragged me from my couch and forced me to put on pants.
His dining room table was set elegantly, and there were signs of a romantic dinner in progress.
“First,” he said, “try some of my Caesar dressing.” I sampled it, and indeed it was fabulous. He offered me a salad, so I pulled up a chair and started to eat.
“What happened?”
“I made dinner for Athena, we had a glass of wine, and then we made passionate love in the kitchen.”
“Wait, THIS kitchen?” My salad suddenly lost all culinary appeal.
“Then she went crazy.”
This was no surprise. You see, the mating filtering system will naturally strain unsuitable partners from the mix, sifting them like little nuggets of crazy from silt in a miner’s pan. By the time a single woman approaches 50 the likelihood of permanent insanity exponentially increases.
“She screamed at me and said she was ‘Platinum’ and that I was lucky to even be spending time with her.”
He didn’t look very lucky.
“I see, my good man,” I said, “it appears that you have stumbled across a case of ‘Platinum Personality Disorder’. And it’s not the first case I’ve come across this year! It’s an epidemic.
You see, Sven, an aging woman, while still beautiful, can begin to become so paranoid about the ravishes of time that she begins to build a protective coating, much like the caterpillar in metamorphosis. But instead of a butterfly you just get a big, angry, crazy, moth.”
Sven stared forlornly at the empty place settings. I continued.
“The constant injection of new talent into the dating scene starts to wear down the ego until anxiety, fear, and desperation create extreme narcissism.
Victims of this terrible affliction present their symptoms suddenly, with little warning, as they explode into fits of rage. It’s this random dementia that contributes to the progression of the disease. Eventually no man in his right mind will get within 300 feet of them, a fact that they will project outward, and hence assure themselves that the problem rest solely with the opposite sex.
The mind of the Platinum Personality type has been so twisted by narcissism they can’t comprehend why you aren’t rolling out the red carpet and throwing flowers at their feet every time they walk in the door.”
Sven scratched his chin and pondered this.
“They have raised their standards to such a radical level that the notion of regular life, in which people work, get tired, and feel like watching basketball in their underwear, simply doesn’t exist. Were there warning signs?”
“Well now that you mention it, she did own a business called ‘Athena International’, which apparently has no defined product or service but was featured in multiple web sites and listings.”
“Say no more! Most of your Platinum Personality Disorder types will have a pseudo career based upon public relations, because they enjoy being in the spotlight and working a party at a club in a sleazy outfit seems so much more dignified than tromping around in it for the desperate purpose of hunting young men for cheap sex.
“She did do a lot of ‘networking’. “
“Of course she did! That’s their modus operandi. They couldn’t live without it.”
“Is there any cure for this affliction?” he asked, pouring himself a glass of sangria. I helped myself to the rest of the pitcher.
“Unfortunately, there’s no known treatment. There is some evidence of the progression being arrested in early cases, but once the Platinum Personality has become fully formed, it’s incurable.”
His Blackberry buzzed on the table. It was Athena. Sven looked up to me with a question in his eyes, and I nodded. He went into the other room, and although I didn’t hear the exact words, I knew he was doing the right thing. I poured myself a stiff glass of Four Roses from the bar.
“Is it done?” He nodded grimly. I patted him on the back.
“Thank you, Dr. Chase,” he said, “Help yourself to the bar! I’m going to go find a college girl who still has doubts about her self-image and call her fat.”
“Good thinking! In fact I believe I’ll join you…”
OK, well maybe it didn’t end quite like that. But Sven understood that Platinum Personality Disorder is the ugly by-product of Cougarhood gone terribly wrong.
There’s always a dark underbelly to the aging process, for both men and women. Putting all your effort into appearance and none into substance is a losing strategy. We’re supposed to get wiser, smarter, and yes – less physical attractive as the aging process progesses.
But it’s important to remember that only in the absence of all other redeeming qualities will you be judged on your appearance alone.
And the fundamental Laws of Physics say that no matter how beautiful you are right this moment – it just ain’t gonna last.
Ce’st la vie.
“R. Chase is a local writer and surveyor of single life on the Bourbon Trail. Follow him on twitter at @_Rchase“